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I vividly remember chalkboards said Marcel. Where have they all gone ?

Mostly to Chile and Peru said Turner. With a few million to Arkansas to repave roads. They've got bad roads in Arkansas.

I showed some kids a picture of a manual typewriter and they had no idea what it was said Marcel.

There used to be half a million typewriters stored in the basement of the Rockerfeller Mini Plaza in Utah said Turner.They were sent to Jane Goodall’s Gorillas in her nature reserve in the Congo.

Is it true she’s become a Lutheran?

She’s become a Lutheran and is trying to get the Gorillas to type out an up to date Version of the New Testament.

Up to date ?

Steve Jobs willed her 500,000 iphones. He was a bit blissed out at the end and whispered a short recording of an epiphanal nature. For the ... he rasped ... Lutheran gorillas. Dial xyz. God will answer. Then he died. But that gave her the whole idea.

He answers?


Jane Goodall's heard God’s voice?

She can’t hear anything but the beasts listen intently. She says it appears to be at some frequency nothing else can pick up. The gorillas put on headphones screech and type madly. Jane says sometimes they pound so hard that their fingers bleed.

Like Pete Townshend of the famous rock band the Who said Turner. He’d windmill the guitar and cut his fingers something awful. Sometimes bits of flesh would fly out into the audience. Screaming fans would swallow them by mistake like swallowing flies if you’re jogging on a hot day in Stanley Park. But they didn’t mind.

It was the sixties said Marcel.

I guess said Turner.

So God speaks said Marcel getting excited.

And according to Jane he never shuts up said Turner.

Hows it going?

Last February’s National Geographic was optimistic.

Aren't they always said Marcel.

She had 325,000 gorrillas going at it five hours a day six days a week. She asked to make up the difference with child labour from Malaysia and Philadephia but the United Nations wouldn’t let her.The crazy thing is that the apes love it.

Fuck off said Marcel.

Really, said Turner. They type diligently ... shes a real task master. High heels, black rubber outfit whip and a false moustache. Beamed over 150,000 high definition Jungle screens.Keeps them in a kinda bizarre bisexual religious trance.

Fuck off said Marcel.

If they concentrate their best she gives them grape juice spiked with lsd ... so you can imagine.

Rubber, whips, a moustache and lsd. Does she collect what they write asked Marcel.

What you think they are just gonna toss it randomly on the jungle floor ?

Let me figure that out said Marcel. 100 pages each day per gorilla. That’s 32,500,000 total. That’s 11,862,500,000 a year. The gorillas have been at it for 5 years. So that’s 59,312,500,000 pages of God revisions and additions. And He gives all the gorillas these revisions and additions simultaneously ?

Well He's God said Turner.

On manual typewriters said Marcel.

She has all the pages in big multicoloured binders two thousand pages to a binder said Turner.

That’s ... 29,656,250 multicoloured binders.

That's correct said Turner.

That’s gonna be impossible to edit in any sensible way said Marcel.

Give Jane some credit said Turner. She’s hired immigrant labour to scan each day's work for a sandwich, coffee, mosquito net and tent. Its all tucked away on a computer hard drive the size of a matchbox in the middle of the jungle hanging from a eucalyptus tree.

Wow said Marcel.

According to Jane God forgot and repeated a lot but in the end the use of editing algorithms made it all quite manageable.

How many pages when it was done asked Marcel.

Jane Goodall was on TV this morning. She has told nobody until today. Lutherans are great at secrets. For instance Lutherans own all the mushroom farms in the world said Turner.

I never knew that said Marcel.

See said Turner.

So how much is there to actually read said Marcel bracing himself for a very long Audiobook.

Half a page said Turner.

That’s all that’s new ?

No no. That’s revisions and edits of everything.

So the New Testament is now half a page long said Marcel.

Yes replied Turner.

And finally we know what God has told the world.

Well no. Its incomprehensible said Turner.

What do you mean ?

They're fucking apes Marcel. They listen to the iphones. Jane even thinks they understand what God is saying. But they don’t fucking know English that's the fucking problem said Turner.

So after the repetetive gibberish is wiped away, it gets down to an essential half a page of typed gibberish said Marcel.

Yes. Which Jane is gonna publish on Good Friday said Turner.

What if there’s more to come ?

Well Jane's a practical woman and when she saw what she had after five years she took away the typewriters and said fuck this. Fuck God and to hell with the stupid gorillas.

That’s harsh said Marcel.

Shes not as altruistic as we were made to believe said Turner.

And the gorillas?

Well 350,000 gorillas having taken five years of lsd and with nothing to do ... is gonna be a problem.

Turner smiled.

But God has spoken said Marcel.

Yes. In fact thats exactly what Jane said .... "Gibberish is the language God has chosen for his message to the modern world. "

She’ll make a killing off sales. The apes have no legal rights said Marcel.

The leaders of all religions have already condemned it.

That’ll only boost sales said Marcel.

Turner popped open a can of Coca Cola.


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